joyfully broken

'Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, "Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens, and eat their produce...And seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare"'

'Seek the welfare of the place where God has sent you. Think of yourself as sent there by God. Because you are.'

I find myself reflecting a lot on Dora & Diego's case. It seemed so very different from Princess Petunia's and yet they are both manifestations of a very broken system. How else can you describe a system that would be slow to remove a child from a devastatingly harmful situation and at the same time be quick to yank (and continue to keep) loved children from their mother? I could lament all day the weaknesses and at times failings of the foster care system both here and around the country. But should it be surprising that it is broken? After all, the people who govern it and the people who serve in it are ourselves broken people. 

And it is into this broken system, He has called our broken family. We find ourselves surrounded by such utter brokenness that reflects the brokenness in our own hearts. We see our own tears reflected in the tears of these precious children and their families. We see our own hurt reflected in their heartache. We see our own longing for redemption in their cries for restoration. The difference is...we know the One who 'heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,' who has 'put our tears into [His] bottle' and will one day 'wipe every tear from [our] eyes.' 

And it is for that reason, we are here. 

The wounds being brought to the the foster care table are wounds so deep and so vast that only God could bind them and heal them. We, in our humanness at best can only apply band-aids that only serve to cover the pain until this Babylonian life rips them back open.

It is good to cry over the limitations of our frailty because it is only when we see that we are powerless that we see that God shows Himself powerful and turns our tears into joy. 

Disruption

'there is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus'

Disruption...that's the official term for having a child(ren) removed from your home. The word itself is enough to bring shame into my heart and mind. I've really, really struggled with it especially in light of recent events with Dora and Diego. Even more so as I think on the fact that all 3 of our placements have ended in disruption for one reason or another. 

It is so very hard because in my pride, I didn't want to be that family. I wanted to be the family that sees all placements gloriously reunited with their mom and/or dad OR adopted into our family. God obviously had a different plan which I know by faith in His word, though not yet fully by sight,  is bigger and better than my own.

Each situation was very different. With Mini-Man, we were simply stretched too thin, too soon. With Princess Petunia, the decision was made for us. 

~A word here....the further we get from our time with PP, the more we see. Our children have shared additional information with us that confirm that our sweet PP needs SO much intervention and individualized care. She has been exposed to so much, and obviously was abused multiple times. We pray that God's Holy Spirit will work in great power in her precious little heart to begin to heal the hurt and pain inflicted upon her. We trust that He will as He is already working to redeem. He allowed this to come to light while PP is still young and from all we've been able to learn, has made it so that she most likely will not be returning to the harmful environment any time soon. God has also graciously shielded our bio children from understanding all that PP has experienced. More than that, our sweet Rach shared with us that God used that time to bring her to a saving knowledge of Himself. How can we but rejoice even while we suffer?~

Most recently with Dora and Diego, circumstances beyond our control such as delays in the court system, installation of all brand new judges, etc combined with timing of major life events in our own family made it (disruption) the wise choice for us.

I'm still working through the reality of "disruption," but I know and trust that God has a plan and purpose for everything in our life and I trust that He is working for our good and His glory. 

Back to four...for now...

'The mind of man plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps'

We said good-bye to Dora and Diego on Monday which was a tough, tough decision that we did not make lightly. There were many tears shed and many, many prayers lifted up for several days. The logic side of me knew that having them moved was the best decision for our family. Throwing a newborn in the mix (think loving our defiant Diego on a significant lack of sleep) as well as a move across town would be asking too much. Add to that the fact that we simply don't have space in our van for 7 children. I knew all this; I saw it. But there was still much mommy guilt. 

I begged, I pleaded with God to place them with believers, a family who loves Jesus and who would pour His love into not only Dora & Diego's hearts but also the hearts of Momma M & Poppi. 

AND HE HAS!

'God is faithful...'

The new foster parents (Momma K & Daddy J)  love the Lord and are active in their church. They have an 8 yr old bio daughter whom they homeschool --- another sister for Dora! They also have another little foster baby who is transitioning home, and they've begun a bible study with the baby's parents. They desire to minister to Dora & Diego's parents in the same way. Jared pointed out that perhaps seeing his children loved in the name of Jesus by yet another family might help soften Poppi's heart. Momma K kept in contact with me throughout this past weekend and has this week as well. We're hoping to plan a playdate in the next couple of weeks after Dora & Diego have had time to adjust and begin bonding with their new foster family. 

This decision was so very hard on me, but God used it to show me (again) that I am not the rescuer of these children. He is. And He is sovereign over them and loves them and their parents so much more than I could. He also showed me (again) that I can't do it all, that I am not super mom...nor am I called to be. It has been very humbling, but at the same time, His grace poured out in abundance. A precious, sweet foster momma friend reminded me of  this verse a while back....

 'there is therefore now NO CONDEMNATION for those who are in Christ Jesus.'

Even though I fall flat on my face and make a straight mess of so many things, His grace is big enough to reach past and cover it all. 

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Just being real...

"We aren't earning favor with God by fostering or else I'd quit right now and find something else to do tomorrow because this fostering thing only heaps up my guilt." --- Jared

My husband is so right. I don't think I have ever been more aware of my selfishness and anger and impatience and pride. People have gotten on to me about my lack of blogging over the past few months, and this right here is the reason why. The main thing that keeps coming to the forefront during our time with Dora and Diego is that I am a vile, wretched sinner. Who wants to blog about that, right? Who wants to admit that this sweet little person made me so angry that I hurt my hand taking my frustration out on the boxing bag downstairs? Who wants to admit that I'm so angry at not being able to discipline said little person the way *I* think he needs to be disciplined that I snap at the other children and my husband? I knew I am a sinner beforehand and now I see it over and over again. Every. Day. And it's ugly. And I don't like it.

"But God, being rich in mercy"

But God's grace abounds all the more covering all my sin. And it's beautiful. That's love. That's hope. And therein lies the strength to keep going.

So we got a package in the mail...

Overhearing what they said, Jesus told him, “Don’t be afraid; just believe.” He did not let anyone follow him except Peter, James and John the brother of James. When they came to the home of the synagogue leader, Jesus saw a commotion, with people crying and wailing loudly. He went in and said to them, “Why all this commotion and wailing? The child is not dead but asleep.” But they laughed at him.After he put them all out, he took the child’s father and mother and the disciples who were with him, and went in where the child was. He took her by the hand and said to her, “Talitha koum!” (which means “Little girl, I say to you, get up!”). Immediately the girl stood up and began to walk around (she was twelve years old). At this they were completely astonished.


Jared and I started this journey with the sole intent to adopt. We've talked about adopting since the beginning of our marriage, and have felt that God was calling us to do that from the start. That desire led us to DHR over a year and a half ago. After going through the GPS classes, we decided to foster while we waited for the child that God wanted to bring to our family. We had our idea of what that child would look like, and to be completely honest, she looked a lot like Princess Petunia. Maybe that is one reason her loss hurt so much. 

A few days after PP left us, I received a text from a family member. She suggested Princess Consuela Bananahammock when I asked her for a blog name. I'm going to go with PC for short. :-) PC had a friend in a crisis pregnancy situation (due May 22nd) who wished to place her baby for adoption. She knew that we were foster parents and knew our heart was to eventually adopt. PC asked if we would consider and pray about adopting this precious infant. I was all about it right away, but Jared was very hesitant. He had declared he was done with babies, especially after our time with Mini-Man. I, for the first time ever, just left it in the Lord's hands, trusting that He would move Jared's heart if this was His will. And also trusting that God would move my heart if it wasn't.  I didn't say anything more about baby until our anniversary dinner in January when I just casually asked where Jared's heart was on the situation. Jared said, "Let's do this!" 

Since then, we've been praying and waiting on God to direct the process. We've prayed daily for baby and her birth mom, Mama J. Mama J has not wavered in her decision and is in contact with our attorney regularly. We know that there is still a possibility that Mama J could change her mind, and we're praying that God would guard our hearts in that respect. But all who are involved in the situation say that she is firm in her decision. 

Yesterday, our mountain of paperwork from the SW arrived in the mail. There's more than enough to keep us occupied for the next several weeks. I told Jared yesterday that it's the GPS process all over again but without the classes and those horrid Strength/Weakness worksheets. If you've been through GPS, you know what I'm talking about. :P

Please be in prayer for us, for Mama J, for her family, and for baby Tallie. That's what we would call her, by the way, short for Talitha Faith. See what Jesus does in Mark 5:39-42 for the full story. :-) 

It's finally happened...

It has finally happened, and at church of all places. We scrambled out of the van grasping all our various diaper bags, church bags, and ninjago men, pushing the very limits of punctuality, got to the door....and realized we were missing a child. I did the cursory headcount before we actually walked inside, and found that we had only 5 little people with us instead of 6. I glanced behind us thinking that one was just straggling behind because we do have a couple of poky little puppies, as I like to call them. None there.
"Jared! We're missing somebody! Where's IZ?" I've never seen my husband's head whip around so fast. He nearly dropped Diego.
"Did we actually leave him in the van?"
"No, surely not"
"Well, babe he's not here, and I know we left the house with him."
"Oh good grief." I took the 5 children that we actually managed to get out of the van on into the building, and Jared made the trek back across the grass through the parking lot to rescue the one that we left. (I refuse to say forgot.) IZ had fallen asleep on the 20 minute drive to church, and somehow missed all the exiting commotion. Never a dull moment in our little family.
Dora has a new hobby of making sentences. She truly has come so very far in her schoolwork. We've still got a ways to go due to the initial language gap and switching schools, but it has been such fun to see her excitement and pride over learning to read and write new words every week. She wrote one on the kitchen window last week. (Dry -Erase markers on windows = hours of fun)

'I am in a zoo.'

We all laughed together as she read it to us, and I had to agree with her. Yep, sometimes it feels like our family is a zoo, but what a glorious zoo it is! :-)

Thankful for small victories....

Diego has been testing Jared and me a whole lot. It doesn't seem to matter what we do, what privileges we take from him, how many timeouts he has....he still goes toe to toe with us a few times every day. There is screaming. There is hitting. There is pounding the pillows (once he gets to timeout.) It is very, very draining. We have been praying for wisdom and patience through tears. Well, I've had tears...Jared handles it better than I do. ;) All that to say that we were very much looking forward to our Lifeline class last night because we remembered that it was "the discipline" class. 

Through the teaching and discussion, I saw that I was not viewing Diego as a 'child in care' because in my mind, he and Dora aren't 'typical' foster children. They weren't neglected or abused by their mom. She loved and cared for them well, as did their step-father. Because their family situation was so vastly different from Princess Petunia's, I was not seeing them as traumatized children. Traci (our leader) gently reminded me that yes, Dora and Diego had experienced trauma in being taken from that home against their will by strangers and placed in a new home with even more strangers who speak a different language. And they experience further trauma each time they see mom & Poppi but can not go home with them. I guess I just never really thought that the reality of being placed in care could itself be traumatizing, regardless of what has been going on at home. 

Anyway, so fast forward to this morning...Diego and Isaac were fussing over a train when Diego hit Isaac's toe. I came in the room (after hearing Isaac bellow for me) and let each of them tell me what happened. Remembering what we had talked about in class both last night and when we went through the same class with DHR - the importance of positive reinforcement and giving the children a voice and not letting them feel abandoned or isolated even when they misbehave, etc - I got down in front of Diego and explained that we can not hit. I told him that he was going to need to walk upstairs to his bed for timeout with me. I asked him if he was ready, and he nodded yes. So we began to walk. He got as far as the bottom of the stairs before falling out in tears. I said, "Diego, you have done so well walking this far and obeying Mommy this far. That is a very good job. Let's keep going up the stairs and to your bed." 

AND HE DID IT! 

Still with tears, but no protesting, no screaming, no temper. We made it to the foot of his bed. Again, he stopped. I again said, "Diego, you have obeyed Mommy so well til now. You've done a great job. I want you to finish strong and climb in bed." He refused, so I gave him a choice: he could climb in his bed on his own or I could place him in his bed. If he chose for me to place him there, he'd have to not play with trains. He still refused so I put him in his bed. Then came the screaming & pounding of the pillows. I asked him if he was done and ready for his timer to start. He immediately calmed down and nodded his head. I sat on the toy box and started his timer. I sat there the whole time out, so I guess it was technically a time-in. ;) He didn't cry, he didn't scream. He was calm. When the timer went off, he walked over to me and I put him in my lap and we talked about his choices. 

That was at 9:30 or so. 

It is now almost 7:00, and we have had no more time outs (or time ins) and no more refusals to obey. 

I know that he's not all of a sudden a model child. and I know that we will have more run-ins. But I just feel better prepared and I know that I'm seeing him with better perspective and understanding.