Diego has been testing Jared and me a whole lot. It doesn't seem to matter what we do, what privileges we take from him, how many timeouts he has....he still goes toe to toe with us a few times every day. There is screaming. There is hitting. There is pounding the pillows (once he gets to timeout.) It is very, very draining. We have been praying for wisdom and patience through tears. Well, I've had tears...Jared handles it better than I do. ;) All that to say that we were very much looking forward to our Lifeline class last night because we remembered that it was "the discipline" class.
Through the teaching and discussion, I saw that I was not viewing Diego as a 'child in care' because in my mind, he and Dora aren't 'typical' foster children. They weren't neglected or abused by their mom. She loved and cared for them well, as did their step-father. Because their family situation was so vastly different from Princess Petunia's, I was not seeing them as traumatized children. Traci (our leader) gently reminded me that yes, Dora and Diego had experienced trauma in being taken from that home against their will by strangers and placed in a new home with even more strangers who speak a different language. And they experience further trauma each time they see mom & Poppi but can not go home with them. I guess I just never really thought that the reality of being placed in care could itself be traumatizing, regardless of what has been going on at home.
Anyway, so fast forward to this morning...Diego and Isaac were fussing over a train when Diego hit Isaac's toe. I came in the room (after hearing Isaac bellow for me) and let each of them tell me what happened. Remembering what we had talked about in class both last night and when we went through the same class with DHR - the importance of positive reinforcement and giving the children a voice and not letting them feel abandoned or isolated even when they misbehave, etc - I got down in front of Diego and explained that we can not hit. I told him that he was going to need to walk upstairs to his bed for timeout with me. I asked him if he was ready, and he nodded yes. So we began to walk. He got as far as the bottom of the stairs before falling out in tears. I said, "Diego, you have done so well walking this far and obeying Mommy this far. That is a very good job. Let's keep going up the stairs and to your bed."
AND HE DID IT!
Still with tears, but no protesting, no screaming, no temper. We made it to the foot of his bed. Again, he stopped. I again said, "Diego, you have obeyed Mommy so well til now. You've done a great job. I want you to finish strong and climb in bed." He refused, so I gave him a choice: he could climb in his bed on his own or I could place him in his bed. If he chose for me to place him there, he'd have to not play with trains. He still refused so I put him in his bed. Then came the screaming & pounding of the pillows. I asked him if he was done and ready for his timer to start. He immediately calmed down and nodded his head. I sat on the toy box and started his timer. I sat there the whole time out, so I guess it was technically a time-in. ;) He didn't cry, he didn't scream. He was calm. When the timer went off, he walked over to me and I put him in my lap and we talked about his choices.
That was at 9:30 or so.
It is now almost 7:00, and we have had no more time outs (or time ins) and no more refusals to obey.
I know that he's not all of a sudden a model child. and I know that we will have more run-ins. But I just feel better prepared and I know that I'm seeing him with better perspective and understanding.
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