Sunday, February 17, 2013

Holy hurt....

It has been a really tough emotional week for me. 

I'm beginning to see that I'm not going to ever fully get over losing Princess Petunia. We're moving on and doing life of course, but theres still a little hole in my heart. I see pictures of her and have just these moments of utter sadness. Sometimes I cry, but mostly it's just somber quiet reflection. I know in my head and have been told by countless people that she needed more than we could give her at this point in our lives. Even her SW told us the night PP left that she would have had to answer to her supervisor had she not moved Princess Petunia away from our other children. My mind knows all these things, and I know that I probably would have given the same counsel to a friend. My mind knows but my heart...oh my mommy heart just is having the hardest time accepting it. My mommy heart cries for this precious little girl,who for a season was my precious little girl.  

I wasn't ready to say good-bye.

God brought all the hurt and pain and anger over losing her back to the surface this past Monday night during a Lifeline GPS meeting. Jared and I were watching this role play of a little girl being taken from her family and placed into foster care and then later having to be moved to another foster family for much the same reason PP had to leave us. I was watching my life being acted out right in front of me. I didn't realize until that moment that I was (am) still carrying a whole lot of junk around. I've just buried the emotions, or tried to bury the emotions thinking that they are just too great to handle.

But God is greater. 

Jared reminds me constantly that God knew how this all would go down before He brought Princess Petunia to our door that night. He knew the day, the hour that she'd leave us. He knows how her story is going to end. He wanted her with us for those 5 months, no more, no less. He loved her through us for that season of her life and is now working in her life in other ways through another momma. 

Perhaps Princess Petunia was with us to birth a greater desire to share the gospel with these hurting children just as Dora & Diego are with us to birth a greater desire to share the gospel with these hurting moms & dads. We have these sweet faces that will be forever etched in our memories to fuel our passion for His glory to be known. It doesn't erase this hurt, but it does give the hurt a holy purpose.  

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