'I want it to be all over'

'and though my heart may fail, you will my portion be'

*quick update*

We decided not to take Champ, which was really tough. I'm so thankful for Jared's ability to think logically (and wisely) through situations while not getting caught up in the emotions of the moment. I'd have a house full of chaos and be a frazzled mess without him. We found out yesterday that there is a family member who wants Champ, so that's a praise!

*Princess Petunia*

Wow. Yesterday afternoon was very emotional for our little princess. Mom made some seriously unwise decisions at their last visit, and Sabrina came by the house to talk to PP about it. She had already spoken with Champ and WildMan (PP's little brother) earlier in the week. Princess Petunia seemed to be having some problems remembering all that had happened while talking to Sabrina, even though she had described in detail all that went on to Jared and me. 

Later, after Sabrina left, Princess Petunia and I began to have a little chat about the importance of being completely truthful with Sabrina, that she wants to help her & her brothers just as much as Daddy and I do. It turned out to be an eye-opening, light-coming-on conversation.....for me. 

I, for the first time, truly saw the turmoil that is going on inside our little Princess' heart. On the one hand, she knows what the truth is, and she knows that the things that went on at her "real house" were not safe and not good. On the other hand, she feels an intense loyalty to her mom and wants to protect her from 'going to jail.' This sweet little 8 year old girl is living with a crazy amount of pressure, a pressure that I'm not even sure I could handle.  Her greatest source of anxiety should be what clothes to wear to school or what book to read or what to do with her afternoon after school...not whether to obey her mom and lie to her SW or to obey us (and our heavenly Father) and tell the truth. 

Our GPS instructors told us about this kind of thing during our classes; I know they did. I remember discussing it. And there was probably some kind of small group role-playing activity as well. But truly, until I saw the emotions on PP's face and the tears in her little eyes, I know I did not grasp the enormity of her situation. It's as though all the words finally had eyes I could look into and a heart that I fiercely wanted to protect. 

You'd think that it wouldn't take 3 and a half months for this to sink in, but I guess there's just a big difference between getting it and really "getting it."  It's just so easy to focus on the minutiae of our life together: school and homework and playdates and gymnastics lessons and church, etc. It's easy to forget her reality while she's busy playing house or riding her bike or doing cartwheels through the den. But I do praise God that He has granted Princess Petunia time to just be a little girl, and I am humbled that He has chosen us (at least for now) to be her safe place. 

*prayer request* We have a pretty important court date coming up on the 15th. The judge should be making a decision on relative resources.