Grace for Spilled Grits

It was just supposed to be an emergency placement. 

He came to us last Thursday afternoon scared, in shock, and almost visibly trembling. His social worker had picked him up from school and brought him to our home. He had no idea when he went to school that morning that he wouldn't be going back home. 

We agreed to keep our new friend, Batman, through Tuesday until a long-term foster home could be found. We've been doing respite care for the past year and a half, and it's been the perfect set-up. A weekend here, a weekend there, loving kiddos, being the "fun" house. Some have been a little stressful, but there was always the comfort of knowing that there was a definite end date. Sure, with each child, there was always a soft, subtle tug on our hearts to jump back into long-term care. But it was a tug that was easy to stuff back down after each friend went back home. 

But then along came Batman. 

The longer he was here with us, and the more we learned of his story and that of his precious momma, the more Jared and I just knew that we couldn't let him experience any more transition. Jared called his worker Monday morning and asked if Batman could stay with us throughout his journey. 

I had forgotten, or perhaps buried would be the better word, all the visceral emotions that accompany children coming into care. There simply aren't words to accurately depict the suffering and brokenness of these children, the confusion, the shock, the paralyzing fear. Watching a child struggle to process the unthinkable and knowing that there isn't a whole lot you can do to help him is just tough. Remembering that our calling is to love this child fiercely just as we do our own children all the while knowing that at the end of it all we have to hand him (and a huge piece of our hearts) over to his family....It's a hard, hard road to walk. 

But God.

Our heavenly Father is so very faithful. In these last 36-48 hours since stepping back into long-term care, we've encountered lice for the first time ever. Confession: I just might have thrown an adult tantrum over that one. We've had a first visit with mom that thankfully went very well. We're struggling with allergies. We're battling traumatic fears of all flying insects which makes playing outside without multiple meltdowns nearly impossible. And yes, we've even cleaned up spilled grits in the laundry room and a delightful concoction of various toiletry items off the bathroom floor. Bio kids don't stop their crazy just because a new friend joins the family. And yet, there has been grace for each and every moment. 

The Lord continues to grant us & Batman His love and peace. He continues to love us through His word and through His people. We don't know how long Batman's journey will be, nor do we know all the twists and turns that we will surely walk with him. But we do know Jesus. And we do know that He's walked this road before us. And we do know that He will never leave us nor Batman, not even for one moment.

Princess Petunia

I forgot to include a pretty significant update in my last blog post. Rarely does a day go by that I don't think about our sweet Princess Petunia. Rarely does a day go by when one of the children don't talk about her. She was such a huge part of our lives and our story. I pray that she will continue to be in some way. God has been so gracious as to allow us to maintain a relationship with PP's social worker, so we are at least able to follow her case and receive updates ever so often even if we are not able to actually see her. 

Last month, the kids and I decided that we would buy her school supplies when we bought our own. We took them to DHR and were able to talk with Sabrina for a little while.... Princess Petunia is doing well...a few steps forward, a couple of steps back which is pretty much on par. She no longer has visits with her bio mom for now, although she does get to visit her brothers. Sabrina has also filed for TPR (termination of parental rights) and at least at this point, PP's current foster mom is not interested in adopting her.  

Please pray along with us for Princess Petunia and her future. TPR can take a really, really long time and at least for the mean time, it looks as though she's in a stable home. I know that God is sovereign over her little life and I know He is working all things to His glory. I also would be lying if I said that there wasn't this huge part of my heart that cries for her to be back with our family. At this point though, it doesn't look as though that would be recommended just based on the circumstances surrounding her removal from our home. My heart battles with that logic often. 

Been a while

Whew! I feel as though we are finally beginning to come out of the newborn fog we've been stumbling through over the past few months. Tallie is finally sleeping through the night, for real this time. She's faked us out a few times, but I'm pretty sure this is the real thing. And oh my goodness, once they start sleeping through the night, the world looks like an entirely different place. I'm remembering things again. My mind can form complete thoughts again. It is amazing! :-)

So where are we now? Well, as far as adoption goes, we have a finalization (is that the right term?) date set for October 3rd. Hoorah! I have to be honest...I teared up just reading the letter from our attorney. I know I'm going to be a bucket of tears on the actual day. Hopefully the judge won't think I'm certifiably insane. ;) But oh my goodness....she's almost officially ours!

We've also started the process of transferring to Lifeline. We had our first home study home visit this past Friday. *Love to Kara Leigh!* There are a lot more steps involved in transferring than either Jared or I thought that there would be. It has not been the 'just sign a form or so here and we're good' type process I had envisioned. To be completely honest, there have been more than a few times when we've wondered if all this extra work is worth it. I just keep preaching to myself that we were not created and put here on this earth to be comfortable. And really, what is a few extra hours of my time compared to what we're working towards, sharing the love of Christ with 'the least of these.'  Anyway, so, the goal is to have all our ducks in a row and be re-licensed and *hopefully* open for respite care by the end of October. Let the fun begin! :-)

Letters to Tallie, one month

Dear Tallie,

Sometimes feelings are just plain too big for words. That has been the case for me a lot over the past 4 to 5 weeks. But I have to try and write all this down for you so that when the time comes, you will be able to look back and trace the hand of God throughout your sweet precious life, even from the very beginning. 

More than anything, I want you to know these two things, our God is great and our God is good. He is mighty enough to hold the universe in place in the palm of His hand and loving enough to redeem our little lives and bring us to Himself. He brought you to us (a year to the day after we were officially licensed as foster/adoptive parents) and we are forever grateful.

I remember the moment I received the text from Aunt Jessie that you had been born. She sent your first picture along with these words: 
    "She's here!!! 7 lbs 9 oz...head full of brown hair"
We were all in the hotel room watching Veggie Tales, the bunny episode, and Daddy was trying unsuccessfully to take a nap. I just stared at your big, beautiful blue eyes, and time seemed to stand still. You were here. And even though I didn't carry you, you were ours. And I could NOT wait to actually meet you. 

Your Momma J had some serious, scary complications a short while after you were born. I was told that the waiting room that day was very crowded. Lots of families welcoming new little ones. When the rapid response alert for Momma J was issued, everyone in that waiting room, though they didn't know her,  joined hands and prayed for her while the doctors worked to save her. Daddy & I as well as many, many others across town and back home here in B'ham prayed for her as well. And God kept her strong and preserved her life. Always remember that there is power in prayer, sweet Tallie, because we pray to an Almighty, loving heavenly Father. 

You're beginning to settle into a nice routine during the day and waking up only once at night...thank you for that, by the way. :) You're recognizing our voices and starting to smile those sweet newborn smiles. Dr Amy says they're real and I definitely believe her! You've met so many friends and family and they all say how pretty you are. I, of course, agree with them wholeheartedly. 

Daddy & I and all your sweet siblings love you more than words, 
Mommy

A Tale of Two Mommas

As I'm eagerly anticipating the birth of Baby Tallie, I find myself thinking about Momma J. A lot. More and more the closer we get to the big day. I try to put myself in her place and find that it is simply too painful. The closer we draw to meeting Tallie and taking her into our arms and our hearts, the closer Momma J draws to saying goodbye to this tiny one that she's cared for for the past nine months and handing over an enormous piece of her heart. What utter selfless love it must take to take a long, serious look at your life and decide that  your child should be with another family.

There is a lot of talk about heroes these days, and it seems as though it doesn't take too much to earn such a label. Toss a ball around a court or field better than the other guys, or make a public statement about your private life, or simply do what you're supposed to do and bam, you're slapped with a big ole hero sticker on your chest.

At least for me, whenever the word hero is mentioned, I'll forever think of a sweet, quiet young momma in Georgia who chose life and a home for her baby girl and who, though I may never meet her, will always be woven inextricably into the heart of our family. 

What's next for us...

So, it has been a little over two weeks since Dora & Diego left us to join their new foster family. Crazy how time moves so quickly and at the same time feel like it is standing still. The kids and I were able to talk to them last week, so much fun! Diego and IZ were so excited to hear each other's voices...they just kept saying each other's names over and over again. Absolutely precious!

Where are we going from here? 

At this point, we are anxiously awaiting the birth of our sweet baby Tallie. Momma J is due exactly 3 weeks from yesterday. We have finished all our paper work and have a home study scheduled for this Friday with our SW, Bess. As far as we know, things have been tidied up on Momma J's end. She wants for us to take over in the hospital so for now, I guess we just wait on the call that baby Tallie is on her way. 

We are also preparing to move into our new house. There is a lot of mainly cosmetic work to be done, new floors, painting, etc. It is turning into a race against the clock because we're scheduled to move in the same week that Tallie is due! 

As far as fostering goes, our plan is to do respite care for a while once Tallie is settled [read sleeping through the night.]  As we have seen first hand, fostering is tough and can be emotionally draining. Foster parents need times of refreshing and renewal and reconnecting with their bio families. We are so very excited about serving full-time foster parents in this way! I'm also really, really excited about something I've planned for the end of May....

My friend, Katie, is a 31 rep, and I'm hosting a party for her on May 30th with all the hostess bonuses going toward providing Journey Bags for kids coming into care! Here's a little blurb on Journey Bags from The Forgotten Initiative website....

http://theforgotteninitiative.org/initiatives.html

Those are our plans....we'll see what God's plans are. ;)

joyfully broken

'Thus says the Lord of hosts, the God of Israel, to all the exiles whom I have sent into exile from Jerusalem to Babylon, "Build houses and live in them; and plant gardens, and eat their produce...And seek the welfare of the city where I have sent you into exile, and pray to the Lord on its behalf; for in its welfare you will have welfare"'

'Seek the welfare of the place where God has sent you. Think of yourself as sent there by God. Because you are.'

I find myself reflecting a lot on Dora & Diego's case. It seemed so very different from Princess Petunia's and yet they are both manifestations of a very broken system. How else can you describe a system that would be slow to remove a child from a devastatingly harmful situation and at the same time be quick to yank (and continue to keep) loved children from their mother? I could lament all day the weaknesses and at times failings of the foster care system both here and around the country. But should it be surprising that it is broken? After all, the people who govern it and the people who serve in it are ourselves broken people. 

And it is into this broken system, He has called our broken family. We find ourselves surrounded by such utter brokenness that reflects the brokenness in our own hearts. We see our own tears reflected in the tears of these precious children and their families. We see our own hurt reflected in their heartache. We see our own longing for redemption in their cries for restoration. The difference is...we know the One who 'heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds,' who has 'put our tears into [His] bottle' and will one day 'wipe every tear from [our] eyes.' 

And it is for that reason, we are here. 

The wounds being brought to the the foster care table are wounds so deep and so vast that only God could bind them and heal them. We, in our humanness at best can only apply band-aids that only serve to cover the pain until this Babylonian life rips them back open.

It is good to cry over the limitations of our frailty because it is only when we see that we are powerless that we see that God shows Himself powerful and turns our tears into joy.